Feeling sad tonight

It is about 32 years since I lost my Aunty Bet. She was a gentle soul. She was someone who was there for me when people who should have been turned away. I often feel haunted. Feelings of how I didn’t live up to what I wanted to be.  

I see my wife who lost her dad at such a young age and how she is still grieving. I am not alone! From the time when anything could think we have grieved and this is not limited to humans, read up on the story of the greyfriars bobby  

I think the thing about death for those who are left behind is that deeds undone. the words unsaid. I tried to sum it up in my song When Death Divides. I feel so much guilt that I couldn’t be more and yet at the same time I realise that if I had, I would have been even more wrapped up in my own self-importance.. 

I see teenagers walking around, full of self-doubt and knowing that they think that this doubt will magically disappear, but it stays with you and you learn to live with it. I think that people without self-doubt obviously are not looking at the big picture. Am I sure of my beliefs? Yes, I am. Did I express myself fully and did everyone understand what I meant? Oh dear, that is where it all went wrong. 

I was watching a dog this evening; you could see it in his eyes that he was desperate to be shown some affection from me. Why? 

There are loads of better people than me, why choose me? 

Maybe that is why we have dogs; they don’t care if we are socially inept. 

But before I go to bed I walk through the dark rooms and almost see my dad and my aunty Bet; it makes me sad that I can never hold them and tell them how much I miss them. I am sure that I am not alone in this. 

So we move forward and try not to let those who came before us, ashamed of what we have become, even though we have fallen well below our own expectations. 

I am going to leave you with three of my favourite John Lennon songs and thanks for reading. 

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.